[ He's not certain if putting this upon her is appropriate, though he's sure that if there are constants in her timeline? There is a possibility he had quit lyrium from her perspective as well. The Advisors had known about it, he had warned those who mattered about his decision. But it was Cassandra that he had asked to keep watch on him, and she isn't here. ]
[ When Gloria had told him about a "package", it didn't take much to realize what it likely was. He had gone in a fit of rage in front of her, implied the decision he had made, and she knew enough to realize what it was that he had been deprived of. Knowing just the mere fact of Templars taking lyrium is enough. ]
[ But he had sincerely hoped he was wrong. He hoped so much that the package had been merely something to ward off the pain or help him sleep, something to take down his anxiety. But now. It was lyrium, or at least a very close alternative that functioned the same way. That's what the instructions said, and the tools to take it were just the same. Gloria placed a starving man in front of an endless banquet, but his hands are chained and his mouth is sewn shut. He can't-- He can't. ]
[ Cullen's first desperate action was to reach out to Josephine. She's the only one he can turn to here. Far be it for him to put anything upon Inquisitors he barely knows. Josephine is the only solid familiarity he has here, and he has no choice. No control. If he doesn't get someone else's input, or get someone to stop him, he will take it. His ties with the past that has plagued him will remain, and he will no longer be a man of his word. ]
[ When Josephine opens the door, she'll find Cullen standing in front of his dining table, hand at his mouth and staring at a box placed neatly in the center. It's closed, ribbon still on it but laying untied. His eyes look to her, and he gestures for her to come in. ]
Josephine.
[ He addresses and greets her only by name, the hand at his mouth slowly dragging down before his arm drops entirely. ]
I...
I trust you are aware of my previous decision back in Thedas. You do recall the favor I had asked of Cassandra, yes?
[It's strange to see him like this, such a marked difference from the last time she came to his room. It had been childish pranks then, yes, ending with her heart in her through, but oh how she preferred that than to this. Than to this heavy tension in the room.
She closes the door quietly behind her as she nods. Some part of her guesses what he might ask her, and another hopes it hasn't come to this.] I do. [His deteriorating mood and health had been too obvious to ignore - at least to the keen eyes of her and Leliana. When he finally enlightened them, it had been like a weight lifted, only to be replaced immediately by another.
Much like this now. Her words are as delicate and gentle as her steps towards him.] Are you... feeling it again?
[ Cullen doesn't answer her, not right away. His hands do, taking to his face and covering them a moment as he turns away from the table, walking a distance from it. He sighs when he drops them, the signs of aching and exhaustion ever present on his features. ]
It's been months now. I could tell you right down to the second the last time I'd taken it.
[ Such is the desperation of an addict. But he doesn't go as far as telling her exactly how long it's been. ]
These... Thoughts. They only seem to get louder, stronger by the day and I see no light at the end of the tunnel.
My head, my body--
[ Cullen's voice raises, and he looks to Josephine, anger and disappointment... Worry clear in his gaze. ]
Everything hurts, Josephine. How am I to be useful to the Inquisition, never mind my usefulness here when danger could so easily be around the corner?
[ He pauses a moment, head lowered as he reaches up again to rub at his tired and aching eyes. ]
Cassandra isn't here to ground me. Far be it for me to reach out to two Inquisitors who I barely know. You're a sensible woman, smart and...
I trust you.
[ With a groan, Cullen points to the box containing a lyrium substitute. on the table, still shut. ]
[Josephine always had a tender, bleeding, heart for her friends but seeing and hearing Cullen's torment makes hers fracture in painful, ragged edges, each word making it crack further. She holds her breath, opening her mouth at times to answer his worries and questions but keeping quiet as he continues on.
And when he points to the box, she thinks her pulse slows. Her blood freezes in her veins.
Gloria couldn't have. She doesn't have much affection for their captors but she's spent months in Gloria's wing. She liked Gloria the best - as much as anyone could like any of the witches. But she knows that the witch is more than capable of such a terrible feat.
Josephine's fingers clutch the box and lift the top of the box, staring hard at the substitute inside.] ...Think not of this, Cullen. [She slams the top down with a resounding thud, her gaze lifting up to meet Cullen's, eyes determined.] I'm not Cassandra. Perhaps I cannot inspire armies the way she can and be the imposing rock that she always is. But believe me when I say you can do this. You can ignore these voices. You can overcome this. You are better than this. Stronger than this. I know this about, Cullen. There is no doubt in my mind that you will be free of this one day, and one day soon. I promise. And I will help you anytime, any way I can.
This? [She pulls the box from the table and into the hard grip of her hands.] This belongs in my fireplace, not in your body. And I will do this every time Gloria [She practically spits the name.] thinks to test your strength.
[ Cullen watches as she takes the box in her arms, and there's a part of him that so badly wishes to beg that she wouldn't take it. The idea of what little lyrium he has left going to the flames, burning and disappearing in thin air, makes his thirst even more powerful. His gut wrenches and his heart sinks. But it's Josephine's words that keep him from reducing to begging like a child. ]
[ Testing his strength... Yes, that is precisely what Gloria had been doing. This is just another way to maintain control, to keep tabs on him as best as the Chantry had, if not better. ]
[ Cullen sighs again, looking away as if that will help remove the visual of his resource of relief being burned like useless garbage. ]
You're right.
[ His hands clench into fists as he turns away, Cullen tries to breathe to maintain his composure. ]
I am better than this. I am stronger. I can dedicate myself to bettering my life just as much as I had to the Chantry and my vows.
[ With another heavy, long exhale, his hands loosen, and he turns to Josephine. ]
Thank you... I--
I would wish I could do this on my own but... It's proven to be much harder than I had anticipated.
[She longs to embrace him, give solace in a friendly hug to ease the despair though they were never quite that affectionate back home. But the box in her hands makes her hold her ground, not wanting it anywhere near him lest he wrench it from her hands. Instead she gives him a warm smile from across the room, pleased to see the tension ease from his hands, and hopes she will see him more relaxed in the future.]
There is no shame in this, Cullen. Calling for reinforcements when needed in the heat of battle is the proper strategy, is it not? [Her smile lifts with a slightly playful lilt. See? She listened during those war table arguments.] I am here for you, Cullen, whenever you need it. You being free of this yoke is one of my highest priorities.
[ Their relationship has been mainly professional, at least from Cullen's perspective. But he would be a liar if he didn't admit that they had developed some sort of closeness from the many hours they had spent together over candlelit debates on a full war table. Endless evenings of discussing plans and preparations to maintain the delicate balance of the world. It was the way of the Inquisition, and Cullen wouldn't have had it any other way. Even if their arguments had gotten rather heated many, many times. ]
[ They may not have much in common other than the Inquisition and their desires to better the world. But Cullen respects Josephine and cares for her deeply, just as he does his recruits and other advisors. ]
[ He manages a smile at her mentions of tactics on the battlefield, even letting out a soft laugh to it. ]
So you've learned.
[ She's right, though. This is merely calling for reinforcements, which is something he has done many times in his career. Cullen has plenty of pride, but not in the sense of asking for help on the battlefield. Calling for help with his health should be no different. ]
[ Cullen pauses a moment, looking to the floor. There's still embarrassment and shame there, though it slowly melts away. ]
You should know how much this means to me. I'm... Admittedly not at my best right now. I bear no pride in saying such a thing, but it is important you know.
[Josephine's smile fades only a touch as he looks away, and she spares his pride further embarrassment as she does the same. her steps are quiet as she goes to the door. Not that she wanted to run from him, far from it, but with the lyrium in her hands she was doing him no favors lingering.]
Please, Cullen, think nothing of it. You have nothing to repay. You are a dear friend to me and I don't doubt you would offer me any help that I needed. [She gives him another smile as opens the door.] I shall check up on you soon. [She remembers how he was back in Skyhold and vows to keep her promise before she heads out the door and heads straight toward the nearest fireplace.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
action;
[ When Gloria had told him about a "package", it didn't take much to realize what it likely was. He had gone in a fit of rage in front of her, implied the decision he had made, and she knew enough to realize what it was that he had been deprived of. Knowing just the mere fact of Templars taking lyrium is enough. ]
[ But he had sincerely hoped he was wrong. He hoped so much that the package had been merely something to ward off the pain or help him sleep, something to take down his anxiety. But now. It was lyrium, or at least a very close alternative that functioned the same way. That's what the instructions said, and the tools to take it were just the same. Gloria placed a starving man in front of an endless banquet, but his hands are chained and his mouth is sewn shut. He can't-- He can't. ]
[ Cullen's first desperate action was to reach out to Josephine. She's the only one he can turn to here. Far be it for him to put anything upon Inquisitors he barely knows. Josephine is the only solid familiarity he has here, and he has no choice. No control. If he doesn't get someone else's input, or get someone to stop him, he will take it. His ties with the past that has plagued him will remain, and he will no longer be a man of his word. ]
[ When Josephine opens the door, she'll find Cullen standing in front of his dining table, hand at his mouth and staring at a box placed neatly in the center. It's closed, ribbon still on it but laying untied. His eyes look to her, and he gestures for her to come in. ]
Josephine.
[ He addresses and greets her only by name, the hand at his mouth slowly dragging down before his arm drops entirely. ]
I...
I trust you are aware of my previous decision back in Thedas. You do recall the favor I had asked of Cassandra, yes?
action;
She closes the door quietly behind her as she nods. Some part of her guesses what he might ask her, and another hopes it hasn't come to this.] I do. [His deteriorating mood and health had been too obvious to ignore - at least to the keen eyes of her and Leliana. When he finally enlightened them, it had been like a weight lifted, only to be replaced immediately by another.
Much like this now. Her words are as delicate and gentle as her steps towards him.] Are you... feeling it again?
action;
It's been months now. I could tell you right down to the second the last time I'd taken it.
[ Such is the desperation of an addict. But he doesn't go as far as telling her exactly how long it's been. ]
These... Thoughts. They only seem to get louder, stronger by the day and I see no light at the end of the tunnel.
My head, my body--
[ Cullen's voice raises, and he looks to Josephine, anger and disappointment... Worry clear in his gaze. ]
Everything hurts, Josephine. How am I to be useful to the Inquisition, never mind my usefulness here when danger could so easily be around the corner?
[ He pauses a moment, head lowered as he reaches up again to rub at his tired and aching eyes. ]
Cassandra isn't here to ground me. Far be it for me to reach out to two Inquisitors who I barely know. You're a sensible woman, smart and...
I trust you.
[ With a groan, Cullen points to the box containing a lyrium substitute. on the table, still shut. ]
Look.
A... Gift from Gloria.
action;
And when he points to the box, she thinks her pulse slows. Her blood freezes in her veins.
Gloria couldn't have. She doesn't have much affection for their captors but she's spent months in Gloria's wing. She liked Gloria the best - as much as anyone could like any of the witches. But she knows that the witch is more than capable of such a terrible feat.
Josephine's fingers clutch the box and lift the top of the box, staring hard at the substitute inside.] ...Think not of this, Cullen. [She slams the top down with a resounding thud, her gaze lifting up to meet Cullen's, eyes determined.] I'm not Cassandra. Perhaps I cannot inspire armies the way she can and be the imposing rock that she always is. But believe me when I say you can do this. You can ignore these voices. You can overcome this. You are better than this. Stronger than this. I know this about, Cullen. There is no doubt in my mind that you will be free of this one day, and one day soon. I promise. And I will help you anytime, any way I can.
This? [She pulls the box from the table and into the hard grip of her hands.] This belongs in my fireplace, not in your body. And I will do this every time Gloria [She practically spits the name.] thinks to test your strength.
action;
[ Testing his strength... Yes, that is precisely what Gloria had been doing. This is just another way to maintain control, to keep tabs on him as best as the Chantry had, if not better. ]
[ Cullen sighs again, looking away as if that will help remove the visual of his resource of relief being burned like useless garbage. ]
You're right.
[ His hands clench into fists as he turns away, Cullen tries to breathe to maintain his composure. ]
I am better than this. I am stronger. I can dedicate myself to bettering my life just as much as I had to the Chantry and my vows.
[ With another heavy, long exhale, his hands loosen, and he turns to Josephine. ]
Thank you... I--
I would wish I could do this on my own but... It's proven to be much harder than I had anticipated.
action;
There is no shame in this, Cullen. Calling for reinforcements when needed in the heat of battle is the proper strategy, is it not? [Her smile lifts with a slightly playful lilt. See? She listened during those war table arguments.] I am here for you, Cullen, whenever you need it. You being free of this yoke is one of my highest priorities.
action;
[ They may not have much in common other than the Inquisition and their desires to better the world. But Cullen respects Josephine and cares for her deeply, just as he does his recruits and other advisors. ]
[ He manages a smile at her mentions of tactics on the battlefield, even letting out a soft laugh to it. ]
So you've learned.
[ She's right, though. This is merely calling for reinforcements, which is something he has done many times in his career. Cullen has plenty of pride, but not in the sense of asking for help on the battlefield. Calling for help with his health should be no different. ]
[ Cullen pauses a moment, looking to the floor. There's still embarrassment and shame there, though it slowly melts away. ]
You should know how much this means to me. I'm... Admittedly not at my best right now. I bear no pride in saying such a thing, but it is important you know.
I will make this up to you, I promise.
action;
Please, Cullen, think nothing of it. You have nothing to repay. You are a dear friend to me and I don't doubt you would offer me any help that I needed. [She gives him another smile as opens the door.] I shall check up on you soon. [She remembers how he was back in Skyhold and vows to keep her promise before she heads out the door and heads straight toward the nearest fireplace.]